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Beet Juice Cleanse Humor

Beet juice cleanse humor evolved from my personal experience.

Note that this is a 'warrior' protocol - that is, to even consider this gastronomic adventure, you have to be the sort who thinks a little too far 'ouside the box.'

A little preparation for your beet juice cleanse:

Collect an in-depth selection of your favorite reading material and make a permanent place for it in your bathroom - you will be spending a lot of time there.

Collect organic beets - the bigger and nastier looking the better - at your local health food coop, farmers market or Whole Foods. No wimpy 'golden' or 'chioggia' beets, please. Get the deep purple ones. 

When you roll up to the checkout counter with half a shopping cart full of those rank looking things, you just might get some memorable looks from the cashier and/or other customers.

PHOTO BELOW: Did I say 'rank-looking!?' These two bodacious purple monsters  just out of the ground from my garden.

Beet Juice Cleanse Humor:
OK, Here We Go!

1 - First requirement: You have to REALLY like the color purple - I mean REALLY - deep magenta-red in-your-face purple - and other shades as well. Because you will be seeing a LOT of it.

Not always in the expected context.

2 - You won't have to wonder if your beet juice cleanse is 'doing something.' There will be no doubt, as it will keep you quite 'busy.' Purple in, purple out. 

Once you are drinking more than an ounce or two at a time, you will have the most GORGEOUS pee (lovely pink) and poop (deep magenta purple). You will become an aficionado of the subtleties of many shades of purple - 'Dear, come take a look at this one! It's sort of maroon/cranberry with a halo of bright magenta fading to delicate rose pink!'

If you take a lot of B-Vitamins, you may also see bright orange pee (flourescent yellow and magenta purple = bright orange). 

Try scheduling a urine test with your doctor during this time for a little extra fun!

3 - The beet juice cleanse will leave no doubt of its detergent action in the gut. No need to sign up as an astronaut - in the privacy of your home, you can experience G-Force in reverse.

4 - Want to be a star?

If you like getting special recognition, you will easily be able to shock and awe even your most hard-core detox friends when you tell them you are drinking 8 - 12 oz of the purple stuff straight up every morning!

I had a stellar moment on the check-out line in the food co-op as I rolled up a cart with 30 - 40 pounds of beets the size of small cabbages. A Rolfing client of mine was also on line. Due to the unsightly pile of dirt-encrusted plant-derived hunks in the cart, of course I had to explain about the morning beet drink.

Her jaw dropped, eyes bugged out and she exclaimed, 'Well I KNEW you were hard core, but - I can't BELIEVE you drink that amount of BEET JUICE!'

Everyone in the checkout line, as well as the cashier stopped in their tracks, staring straight at me with similar expression on their faces as my client! 

5 - If you want to avoid certain social obligations, you will have a bullet-proof excuse. 


Well of course you will have to stay home within sprinting distance of the bathroom (actually closer). Just tell your friends/family that you just drank a full glass of beet juice and they will gladly excuse (exclude) you from virtually any social occasion. In fact if you announce that beet juice cleanse is now a regular daily ritual, you may never again be asked to attend an obligatory get-together!

6 - Buy purple sheets, rugs and furniture. Maybe re-paint your walls, too! That way even if an 'accident' happens, no one will ever know.

7 - If you want your dog to have same color poops as yours, mix some beet pulp into their food. Take a little extra time bagging his/her purple poops and see how many weird looks you can get from passersby. 

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Actually, more than a tiny bit of beet pulp is NOT a good idea for your dog, as the oxalic acid can cause kidney stones and other health problems - the above is for entertainment only).

Beet Juice Cleanse Rationale

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